Friday, June 4, 2010


I sit here alone trying to think but I can't thanks to the internet. I am reading people comments on my blog and nairaland. My friend generously put up a link to my site and I am quite happy some people care enough to respond. Some hurl insults at me, some doubt my sincerity others hope I get better. Getting genuine love from strangers feels good kind of, atleast I am not a freak. I won't bore anyone with a long write up. I write to make me feel better so it seems selfish to keep writing.

What is the point of writing this now, I will never know. I am bored, its a friday night, I feel lonely. Gosh I feel so lonely. Everyone wants me to come to them, stay the weekend they say but I rather die than have someone pity me. All I get these days is pity, kpele all the damn time mscheww like that will make it okay. I am not hateful, please dont get me wrong, I just don't want to be anyone's sorry case. An old school mate, told my sister that I was not smart enough. I should have done this, that or that, whatever he is gone so that advice is useless to me isn't it?

I have been eating alot these days. Adding weight so I am thinking I should revisist the gym. I used to be sexy, now I don't know the clothes don't fit. My dad has been the best comforter, he shared his own pain before meeting mummy and insists that I will get better. So maybe I would try to loose some weight, join a society in church anything to make me better. I may travel to Nigeria during the holidays, meet up with old friends who knows what I might find.

Quickly, let me say that when I said "hello boys" in my last post I did not mean it. My sister thinks I am going to become someone that I am not. That is not the case and I am not smoking or drinking. I am eating, pizzas, burgers all the works thats my addiction, hence the need for a gym. Okay I have nothing else to say, if I feel like talking I will blog. Please dont call me, I am fine, I just need to recover. Yesterday's intimacy was a mistake, I feel like crap. Okay I have said it, don't judge me, let me watch my movie in peace. A pirated version of prince of persia on is all I need. Maybe I will feel better tommorow. I am determined to get through this, just that it hurts so much today. Friday night used to be an event, now its just a waste of time. Let me watch this movie.

Thursday, June 3, 2010


Its lunch time and the Office is buzzing. I meet up with my dear friend Grace to say I was blogging about my pain and she could read it, if she ever found the time. My sent me a voice message saying she loved me and I will be fine, I should however, have plenty of faith. I smiled, my mum has been suprisingly understanding. I guess she did not want to loose another daughter. My sister has been away in America for over ten years and rarely visits.

My phone rang and my heart sank. Aina has a special ring tone that I have not bothered to change. My next reaction was a brief five seconds happiness and then sadness, why was he calling me, to invite me for his wedding? or further humiliate me? I answered the phone trying to sound happy and indifferent. He goes like, babes whats this thing about you blogging about us? You the dram queen always over reacting. I know that things went bad between us but understand that you will find someone better, someone who will love you for you and want the same things you want. I had to cut him short, he was becoming good at telling me what was good for me, the prick! I said Aina, the blog is not about you, I am sad you know about it and obviously you are still checking up on me. Please let me move on, stop calling me, I need to move on please. Now the tears are coming,and I cant do a damn thing to stop them. Why am I crying so much? why does it hurt to hear his manly voice again? why why why? He did not give me time to think, he immediately goes, stop crying you make me feel like the devil, I am not that bad, why not come up to Burger King and meet with me. I am at the Burger King, close to your office, lets talk about this.

Despite the voices in my head speaking endlessly, I dashed for Burger King. I told Oma and Grace to cover for me. If our supervisor asks, I am in the ladies. I met with Aina, who I must say sadly was looking more handsome than I remember. He was like he was done with his dissertation and attended a careers summit. He got some job offers and his thinking of relocating back to Lagos or staying not quite sure. So, I asked what his girl friend's plans were and he was like he makes his own decisions that he is in control of this relationship! I lost it and started arguing with him, he was always blaming me for the break up, I changed for him gave up drinking and smoking and he never one day said look babe thats cool. Now he is calling me a control freak? I was pissed. I was ready to leave, that I was sure of even though I had the urgent need to punch him, for all my sleepless nights, looking so handsome, planning ahead, living his life while I was loosing mine.

I made for the door and there he was next to me, the jerk of a man. He goes you know Aunty Dolapo lives across the road, can you follow me to her house I dont want you going to the office like this, all teary eyed. Aunty Dolapo used to call me non stop and check on me during my shifts but since the break up she hasn't bothered to check up on me. She his Aunty afterall so I should not expect anything. We went to her house and met her daughters. She and her husband where working. It was already 2pm and common sense said go back to the office. I thought about everyone, my mum, family, friends who have been begging me to move on and I stood up from the couch. As I made for the door, he started holding my hand and saying he told me to wait I did not listen. I want to marry so desperately and it has clouded my judgement. I started crying, saying please let me go, I dont want the girls to know what I am doing. He put my head on his shoulders and was breathing heavily, so we started kissing and the rest is history. I slept with him despite all the talks and prayers.

His phone started ringing, his girlfriend was calling, I thought he would reject the call but he didnt. He answered her that he was in Aunty Dolapo's house he will see her in a few hours and said something like me too. I was furious, so mad that I hit him on the face. It shocked him and he started to dress up in a hurry. He said Mya you need professional help, you know I have a girlfriend what do you expect me to do? I just looked at him, in that moment he looked like a pig. He was a monster not my handsome prince, he looked like a man I did not know. I managed to dress up, wash my face, apply fresh makeup for it occurred to me that I have to start looking for my own man. This scum bag was over me and here I was still waiting and hoping. I removed my picture from his Aunty's room, she still kept it for some strange reason. I deleted my pictures on his phone. Gave him back the engagement ring, I still had it and he had said I could keep it. As I made for the door, no I felt the need to make him suffer like I was suffering so this time I started kissing him. I slept with him, made it as mechanical as possible, I proved my point he is no good. He would have being a cheating husband. He did not even resist me the second time, kept saying are you sure this is what you want? Anyways I left as soon as I climaxed, it took forever but it was worth it. No point wasting it, we have started lets finish, this will be the last, I kept saying.

I am home now, tucked in my room, laptop on my bed and thought well let me write about this. I screwed up but I dont care. I dont feel good or bad, I am indifferent, I am human, I loved and I lost. I will try to start to heal now, today I got closure, it did not come from anybody's advice it came from an intimate moment with Aina gone wrong. I feel free, I feel like I am once again alive, hello boys!

My Heart is Broken

My heart is broken and my tears have since finished. Maybe I am a freak of nature, atleast he did say that during one of his many verbal attacks or maybe I am not supposed to go through life happy. All the same, I accept, howbeit sadly the things that I cannot change. Like a woman possessed I have spent countless nights mourning this loss. Okay he left me and so what you say? I should move on they all say, but how? Can somebody please stop talking and show me how to mend a broken heart!!!!

My sisters have piled up countless books on my table. "Act like a Lady think Like a Man", " A Lover's guide to Happiness" and so on, but what you all fail to realise is that the hurt, I feel no one understands. The pain that greets me everytime, I think of how he used to love me!. We used to play all the time. Okay, let me talk about my loss, maybe in understanding the hurt that I feel, you would stop judging me and calling me the names you call me now.

We met in London some two years ago. It was a warm summer night and I was desperate for a calm drink. I had bills to pay, no money and I needed a pub to quench my fears and maybe a cigar or two. I walked into a busy pub in central London with just one aim in mind! Drink until I am too numb to think about all my bills! I rushed to the bar man and ordered a huge pint of beer. My beer could not come soon enough, I was thirsty, afraid and worried and this "stella Artois" was my salvation. Sipping my drink, I slowly started to observe my environment, you know taking it all in. As I looked at all the Londoners make merry, I saw him, my light, my man, my African prince!

He was sitting alone looking all cute, with a face that said I am happy, I am cute, I have the world in my temple worshipping me. I wanted to fall on my knees and worship this King that looked so bloody cute. I wanted to walk up to him and say all the things my heart was saying but I waited. Afterall, I was raised in Nigeria and I am Nigerian. Nigerian women do not chase men, our men hunt us down. Bloddy hell, I wanted this man so much, my internal taps were breaking loose! Still, I sat down and gave him the stare of his life. In that one moment his eyes caught mine and he smiled, I smiled too, hmm those teeth, they were perfect, he was indeed a demi god I thought.

He walked up to me and said hi, my name is Aina, am currently at the London School of Economics studying for an MBA, whats your story. I did not hear a word he had said, my eyes were locked in his and all I wanted was to give him the key of my apartment and take him home forever. Oh, I saw myself in a wedding dress, marrying Aina, yes that was his name and he is Nigerian, I was staring at my husband and I knew it! He turned to walk away and I quickly shouted, Aina my name is Mya, but I am Nigerian as well from Ogun State precisely. Do you care for a drink? I asked. He ordered for drinks and paid for them, I was happy a true gentleman, today is indeed my lucky day I thought.

I insisted he follow me to my house for a quick coffee, he declined. He is not into coffee he said too Western for his taste buds. I didn't push, when you are Nigerian, single and in London, you don't push because you don't want to seem desperate. We exchanged numbers and that is how it all began. We became inseperatable, he was my soul mate, lover and best friend. I quit smoking and drinking all together, he became my addiction. I met his family in London and he met mine. We talked about marriage, children, finances and all the things lovers talk about. I wanted a December 2010 wedding, we had been together for a while now so I think we are ready. I opted for a Nigerian wedding, to tell everyone I was married for real. I flew into Paris with my mum shopped like crazy picked out all the brides maid clothes and my beautiful, beautiful wedding gown. Ours was a fairy tale and I wanted the wedding to be a dream. I had the faint notion that may will be inspired by our story and people will fall in love during our wedding ceremony.

I kept myself busy with work and wedding plans and did not notice that Aina called less and less. When Nneka brought this to my attention, I panicked. Okay I take that back, I noticed but somehow, I did not want to be the woman who nags alot. He said he was busy with "dissertation" so I let him do his thing. Anyways, I went over to his apartment to give him the "we have to talk" speech. I got my parents to put an hold to the invites until we settled things between us. The family introduction was a huge success, it held in my parents house in East London. Infact, it was after our formal introduction and my trip to Paris he started acting all weird and crazy. So, here I am sitting in his apartment giving him the speech all men hated. I told him he had changed and I miss us spending time together. He said, there was nothing to worry about that he loves me more than life. I spent the night with him and we did what couples do. It was so sensational that I forgave him instantly. He agreed that we should postpone the wedding until he finished his Masters and got a job. I agreed, even though I am in my late twenties, I am not desperate to be married.

Things went from bad to worse and then out of the blues Aina calls me to come meet him up at Starbucks. I thought he hated coffee. I met up with him and after two rounds of coffee, he looked me in the eyes and said, I can't continue like this, its killing me, I love you but, I can't marry you. Its complicated, he said. I died a thousand times, if he was drinking alchohol, I would understand, he can't be high on coffee? or can he? I started crying, he was so embarrased, took me to his car and said he wants us to be friends but we can't get married. I asked amidst tears is there someone else? He answered no. Then what the hell is the problem, I was raising my voice at this point. he said he is 31 and not ready for marriage. The prick he was. He could have said this like last year, before we met my Parents and all, what the fuck is I am not ready? I went from angry to sober and went on my knees begging him not to break my heart. What about all our friends and family? He didn't seem to mind, we were over he kept saying.

I went home in a taxi, hoping he will come running, begging that it was a mistake, he did not. All this happened in February, 2010 and this is June my heart still bleeds, the tears still flow and he is not begging to come back. Infact, I saw on facebook that he is dating Ijeoma a mutual friend who was in his MBA programme. I was dead, but alive enough to cry. I am a shadow of my old self. I love the job, I once hated as that is what keeps me busy each day. My family are crushed, they loved him but they are staying strong for me. I have contemplated suicide but I have started attending Redeemed Christain Church and I am meeting more people each day. They are encouraging me to wait on the Lord. Thankfully, I am not boozing away my sorrow, I am trying not to say "fuck the pig" all the fucking time. I know the Lord now can He please make the pain go away? I am so sad, not happy, Nneka is getting married and I am not happy for her. I love her, but it should have been me!!!

I am not going to read any stupid relationship book. I am hurting and all they say is be strong act like a bitch men love that well screw them, I don't care anymore. I started this blog today, told all my friends, I will blog about pain until I feel better. I encourage all who are huring to blog about it on my page. Maybe together we can make ourselves feel better and love again. I need someone to talk to on my cell all the time, someone to love me for me, someone who knows how great I am on the inside and how I cry when I see people suffer. I need a man that loves me. I am depressed but like Pastor says it will get better. I choose to believe, even in my great sadness!