Thursday, June 3, 2010


Its lunch time and the Office is buzzing. I meet up with my dear friend Grace to say I was blogging about my pain and she could read it, if she ever found the time. My sent me a voice message saying she loved me and I will be fine, I should however, have plenty of faith. I smiled, my mum has been suprisingly understanding. I guess she did not want to loose another daughter. My sister has been away in America for over ten years and rarely visits.

My phone rang and my heart sank. Aina has a special ring tone that I have not bothered to change. My next reaction was a brief five seconds happiness and then sadness, why was he calling me, to invite me for his wedding? or further humiliate me? I answered the phone trying to sound happy and indifferent. He goes like, babes whats this thing about you blogging about us? You the dram queen always over reacting. I know that things went bad between us but understand that you will find someone better, someone who will love you for you and want the same things you want. I had to cut him short, he was becoming good at telling me what was good for me, the prick! I said Aina, the blog is not about you, I am sad you know about it and obviously you are still checking up on me. Please let me move on, stop calling me, I need to move on please. Now the tears are coming,and I cant do a damn thing to stop them. Why am I crying so much? why does it hurt to hear his manly voice again? why why why? He did not give me time to think, he immediately goes, stop crying you make me feel like the devil, I am not that bad, why not come up to Burger King and meet with me. I am at the Burger King, close to your office, lets talk about this.

Despite the voices in my head speaking endlessly, I dashed for Burger King. I told Oma and Grace to cover for me. If our supervisor asks, I am in the ladies. I met with Aina, who I must say sadly was looking more handsome than I remember. He was like he was done with his dissertation and attended a careers summit. He got some job offers and his thinking of relocating back to Lagos or staying not quite sure. So, I asked what his girl friend's plans were and he was like he makes his own decisions that he is in control of this relationship! I lost it and started arguing with him, he was always blaming me for the break up, I changed for him gave up drinking and smoking and he never one day said look babe thats cool. Now he is calling me a control freak? I was pissed. I was ready to leave, that I was sure of even though I had the urgent need to punch him, for all my sleepless nights, looking so handsome, planning ahead, living his life while I was loosing mine.

I made for the door and there he was next to me, the jerk of a man. He goes you know Aunty Dolapo lives across the road, can you follow me to her house I dont want you going to the office like this, all teary eyed. Aunty Dolapo used to call me non stop and check on me during my shifts but since the break up she hasn't bothered to check up on me. She his Aunty afterall so I should not expect anything. We went to her house and met her daughters. She and her husband where working. It was already 2pm and common sense said go back to the office. I thought about everyone, my mum, family, friends who have been begging me to move on and I stood up from the couch. As I made for the door, he started holding my hand and saying he told me to wait I did not listen. I want to marry so desperately and it has clouded my judgement. I started crying, saying please let me go, I dont want the girls to know what I am doing. He put my head on his shoulders and was breathing heavily, so we started kissing and the rest is history. I slept with him despite all the talks and prayers.

His phone started ringing, his girlfriend was calling, I thought he would reject the call but he didnt. He answered her that he was in Aunty Dolapo's house he will see her in a few hours and said something like me too. I was furious, so mad that I hit him on the face. It shocked him and he started to dress up in a hurry. He said Mya you need professional help, you know I have a girlfriend what do you expect me to do? I just looked at him, in that moment he looked like a pig. He was a monster not my handsome prince, he looked like a man I did not know. I managed to dress up, wash my face, apply fresh makeup for it occurred to me that I have to start looking for my own man. This scum bag was over me and here I was still waiting and hoping. I removed my picture from his Aunty's room, she still kept it for some strange reason. I deleted my pictures on his phone. Gave him back the engagement ring, I still had it and he had said I could keep it. As I made for the door, no I felt the need to make him suffer like I was suffering so this time I started kissing him. I slept with him, made it as mechanical as possible, I proved my point he is no good. He would have being a cheating husband. He did not even resist me the second time, kept saying are you sure this is what you want? Anyways I left as soon as I climaxed, it took forever but it was worth it. No point wasting it, we have started lets finish, this will be the last, I kept saying.

I am home now, tucked in my room, laptop on my bed and thought well let me write about this. I screwed up but I dont care. I dont feel good or bad, I am indifferent, I am human, I loved and I lost. I will try to start to heal now, today I got closure, it did not come from anybody's advice it came from an intimate moment with Aina gone wrong. I feel free, I feel like I am once again alive, hello boys!


  1. I just want to start to find peace, slowly but surely become me again move past this!

  2. I wish his girl will see this. It will make my day!

  3. @ agaba seriously it'll really make mine too.

  4. I have not cried today hopefully this is the progress my friends talk about. Its friday everywhere is buzzing dont wish to go out! If I survive this weekend I will live. Thank u 2 u guys 4 caring!thanks.

  5. Hello Mya, I read your posts and im almost moved to tears.
    Girlfriend, everyone feels pain at one point or the other. Its not what happened to you that matters but your own reaction to them. This can be a springboard for you girl. One positive thing I can say this has done to you is that it has turned you into a fantastic blogger.
    Your blog will also help many ladies/men who are hurting!!. God only knows how far you can go with this!
    My first question though is Are you a Christian, by that I mean that have you made Jesus your Lord and Saviour? Are you born again? There is a depth in God you will never know until you do. And you need that experience to move on positively.
    Please send your email address to if you dont mind. I will like to mail you some thoughts.
    Believe me girl, you are beautiful, and you have a bright future ahead of you!

  6. Ujujoan - which one be good girl.

    you sure you are alright? this hoochie mama slept with the so-called 'prick' and she is a good girl.

    anyway mya - hope you enjoyed the prick loving

  7. I dont feel bad I slept with him, I just feel numb. Indifferent. Scared of men. Scared of u. But 2day has been fairly okay, no tears just emptiness, this should pass quickly!In case my sister visits this blog, this is for you please stop calling every five seconds, I slept with him yes, I am fine, I will get better, I love u, I just hate the pain.

  8. but what did you gain by sleeping with him though?

    you know the guy is filth and you went back to him. some of you women are glutton for punishment. you need to get a hubby and get your mind of this mind.

    you need Dr.Phil or is it TB Joshua to help you

  9. I gained great sex that I missed badly but I feel like crap now that I can admit. I want to be honest with myself this blog is my escape, you dont know me I dont know u, I will say whatever I feel whether it is right or wrong, I have kept quite too long I feel like talking when I get tired I will shut this blog but now all I have is my computer, I want to scream. whatever let me watch my movie.

  10. all this girls sa. u slept with the guy again? to make him feel bad , to make u feel good , to waive the pain or what? one thing i know and can say is that the guy i bet is telln his friends that ............. well good luck . dont mean to make u feel bad but again good luck .