Thursday, June 3, 2010

My Heart is Broken


My heart is broken and my tears have since finished. Maybe I am a freak of nature, atleast he did say that during one of his many verbal attacks or maybe I am not supposed to go through life happy. All the same, I accept, howbeit sadly the things that I cannot change. Like a woman possessed I have spent countless nights mourning this loss. Okay he left me and so what you say? I should move on they all say, but how? Can somebody please stop talking and show me how to mend a broken heart!!!!


My sisters have piled up countless books on my table. "Act like a Lady think Like a Man", " A Lover's guide to Happiness" and so on, but what you all fail to realise is that the hurt, I feel no one understands. The pain that greets me everytime, I think of how he used to love me!. We used to play all the time. Okay, let me talk about my loss, maybe in understanding the hurt that I feel, you would stop judging me and calling me the names you call me now.


We met in London some two years ago. It was a warm summer night and I was desperate for a calm drink. I had bills to pay, no money and I needed a pub to quench my fears and maybe a cigar or two. I walked into a busy pub in central London with just one aim in mind! Drink until I am too numb to think about all my bills! I rushed to the bar man and ordered a huge pint of beer. My beer could not come soon enough, I was thirsty, afraid and worried and this "stella Artois" was my salvation. Sipping my drink, I slowly started to observe my environment, you know taking it all in. As I looked at all the Londoners make merry, I saw him, my light, my man, my African prince!


He was sitting alone looking all cute, with a face that said I am happy, I am cute, I have the world in my temple worshipping me. I wanted to fall on my knees and worship this King that looked so bloody cute. I wanted to walk up to him and say all the things my heart was saying but I waited. Afterall, I was raised in Nigeria and I am Nigerian. Nigerian women do not chase men, our men hunt us down. Bloddy hell, I wanted this man so much, my internal taps were breaking loose! Still, I sat down and gave him the stare of his life. In that one moment his eyes caught mine and he smiled, I smiled too, hmm those teeth, they were perfect, he was indeed a demi god I thought.


He walked up to me and said hi, my name is Aina, am currently at the London School of Economics studying for an MBA, whats your story. I did not hear a word he had said, my eyes were locked in his and all I wanted was to give him the key of my apartment and take him home forever. Oh, I saw myself in a wedding dress, marrying Aina, yes that was his name and he is Nigerian, I was staring at my husband and I knew it! He turned to walk away and I quickly shouted, Aina my name is Mya, but I am Nigerian as well from Ogun State precisely. Do you care for a drink? I asked. He ordered for drinks and paid for them, I was happy a true gentleman, today is indeed my lucky day I thought.


I insisted he follow me to my house for a quick coffee, he declined. He is not into coffee he said too Western for his taste buds. I didn't push, when you are Nigerian, single and in London, you don't push because you don't want to seem desperate. We exchanged numbers and that is how it all began. We became inseperatable, he was my soul mate, lover and best friend. I quit smoking and drinking all together, he became my addiction. I met his family in London and he met mine. We talked about marriage, children, finances and all the things lovers talk about. I wanted a December 2010 wedding, we had been together for a while now so I think we are ready. I opted for a Nigerian wedding, to tell everyone I was married for real. I flew into Paris with my mum shopped like crazy picked out all the brides maid clothes and my beautiful, beautiful wedding gown. Ours was a fairy tale and I wanted the wedding to be a dream. I had the faint notion that may will be inspired by our story and people will fall in love during our wedding ceremony.


I kept myself busy with work and wedding plans and did not notice that Aina called less and less. When Nneka brought this to my attention, I panicked. Okay I take that back, I noticed but somehow, I did not want to be the woman who nags alot. He said he was busy with "dissertation" so I let him do his thing. Anyways, I went over to his apartment to give him the "we have to talk" speech. I got my parents to put an hold to the invites until we settled things between us. The family introduction was a huge success, it held in my parents house in East London. Infact, it was after our formal introduction and my trip to Paris he started acting all weird and crazy. So, here I am sitting in his apartment giving him the speech all men hated. I told him he had changed and I miss us spending time together. He said, there was nothing to worry about that he loves me more than life. I spent the night with him and we did what couples do. It was so sensational that I forgave him instantly. He agreed that we should postpone the wedding until he finished his Masters and got a job. I agreed, even though I am in my late twenties, I am not desperate to be married.


Things went from bad to worse and then out of the blues Aina calls me to come meet him up at Starbucks. I thought he hated coffee. I met up with him and after two rounds of coffee, he looked me in the eyes and said, I can't continue like this, its killing me, I love you but, I can't marry you. Its complicated, he said. I died a thousand times, if he was drinking alchohol, I would understand, he can't be high on coffee? or can he? I started crying, he was so embarrased, took me to his car and said he wants us to be friends but we can't get married. I asked amidst tears is there someone else? He answered no. Then what the hell is the problem, I was raising my voice at this point. he said he is 31 and not ready for marriage. The prick he was. He could have said this like last year, before we met my Parents and all, what the fuck is I am not ready? I went from angry to sober and went on my knees begging him not to break my heart. What about all our friends and family? He didn't seem to mind, we were over he kept saying.


I went home in a taxi, hoping he will come running, begging that it was a mistake, he did not. All this happened in February, 2010 and this is June my heart still bleeds, the tears still flow and he is not begging to come back. Infact, I saw on facebook that he is dating Ijeoma a mutual friend who was in his MBA programme. I was dead, but alive enough to cry. I am a shadow of my old self. I love the job, I once hated as that is what keeps me busy each day. My family are crushed, they loved him but they are staying strong for me. I have contemplated suicide but I have started attending Redeemed Christain Church and I am meeting more people each day. They are encouraging me to wait on the Lord. Thankfully, I am not boozing away my sorrow, I am trying not to say "fuck the pig" all the fucking time. I know the Lord now can He please make the pain go away? I am so sad, not happy, Nneka is getting married and I am not happy for her. I love her, but it should have been me!!!


I am not going to read any stupid relationship book. I am hurting and all they say is be strong act like a bitch men love that well screw them, I don't care anymore. I started this blog today, told all my friends, I will blog about pain until I feel better. I encourage all who are huring to blog about it on my page. Maybe together we can make ourselves feel better and love again. I need someone to talk to on my cell all the time, someone to love me for me, someone who knows how great I am on the inside and how I cry when I see people suffer. I need a man that loves me. I am depressed but like Pastor says it will get better. I choose to believe, even in my great sadness!

37 comments:

  1. I hope people visit this blog the whole idea is to have a voice and say things we really feel. This not facebook so no one knows who you are, lets talk sincerely and help each other any way that we can.

    ReplyDelete
  2. eyah sorry...will u marry me,

    ReplyDelete
  3. I am so sorry this story is similar to mine! I am in New Jersey!

    ReplyDelete
  4. Please post more, I love the way you put your thoughts in words, I am still in shock cant seem to write or do anything. Heart breaks are never easy but I hope it heals quickly am tired!

    ReplyDelete
  5. Eyaaaaa!! i feel 4 u oh, But when God closes one door he defintely opens anoda! Stay Strong and depend on him, he will come thro 4 you, and as for that Alley-cat Crumb-cake, He is like Cornflakes without milk!, Its your world men! Rock it!

    ReplyDelete
  6. Its hard to mend a broken heart. Although I've not come close to marriage but break-up hurts like hell. . . But then one have to move on. . . I tot if his love for me die, I'll die. It died and here I am living. . . U re still alive and that's all that matters now.

    ReplyDelete
  7. I quite happy that anyone would read this, hopefully it will help someone who is going though the same thing.
    Bukky I dont know what to say, so I will say nothing but keep writing maybe my written words will help. Thanks for offering to marry me, Dean, I wish I still believed in marriage and Kenny thanks you the best. Now I have to go back to the office and try not to let my red eyes show. thanks guys.

    ReplyDelete
  8. Hi Mya...
    One quick question. What if Aina had died what would you have done?

    What if he married you and divorced you later?

    It really hurts cos you invested so much of yourself into it. See it is better that he left now than later!

    What if you met a better person and quit, he would have been the one hurting. It is really good trying to know why you are hurting!

    Relationship is time to 'learn' people and not a time to 'love' people.

    ReplyDelete
  9. @ Emmanueal

    If he had died, her hurt would have been free from embarrassment. She would at least take solace in the true love they shared.

    Now she feels betaryed, ashamed, maybe even cursed!

    If he had gone ahead to marry her and the divorce, then he's guilty of the same crime he just committed. Though I must admit this is the lesser of the two evils.

    @ Mya

    I can only tell you to take heart. I have a freind who faced a similar situation, even worse . . she got pregnant! Then she had to abort the baby when the guy left her almost at the altar.

    Today, his evil and philandering lifestyle led him to an untimely death and my friend is married to someone else who loves her to death!

    Don't worry, you'll live to laugh about this. I promise!

    ReplyDelete
  10. Hmn......I read this and I was spellbound....these were the same thots that rang through my head this morning. Cursed and took back the curse....Heartbreaks hurt like hell, U will survive Mya I did, it does not lessen the pain..when your tummy rumbles when u remember and you feel your heart scatter into places. Sometimes I wish i can blame the other Woman but the truth is she not to blame most of the time. To think I gave up so many things, I learnt one thing though the standards i reduced because of a man are the same standards that kept me going. I thank God its been 3months now and am doing good. Taking each day and as it comes and this time around am letting God lead the way. Guess I was Running too fast.

    ReplyDelete
  11. @Ujujoan

    What if Mya had been the one that quit at the last minute?

    You see that is why God made us human.. free will! We are not meant to like what people do to us. What we can control is how it affects us. Remember to conquer yourself is greater to than to conquer a city.

    I have seen people in worse situations get up and become better. It has to do with either staying at that spot crying over the spilt milk or going to next cow to get another one.

    This blog is not about somebody hurting. It is about somebody that feels too hurt to let go. It is not about someone that wants to heal but some one that feels another should share in her hurt.

    Let he/she that has no sin cast the first stone! Could she really have gotten thru life without hurting someone before or never caused anybody pain?

    ReplyDelete
  12. @ Emmanuel Strong Words, yet they are true although sometimes when we are hurting, these words take a while to sink in. As human beings we always remember our own pain, have not been in Mya's shoes but I hope and pray she moves on. The more you refuse to move on, the more you condemn yourself to that same hurt. This life is too short....too short

    ReplyDelete
  13. Saying "sorry" rili would not help u.Point is, u guyz were just not meant 2 b. No matter how u feeln rit now, in some yrs 2 come u will look back and wonder y u just "did'nt get it". Trust me ,you will meet some1 who will luv u 4 u, when d time is rit.4 d meantime, blog ur heart out, hang out wt friends and generally hv fun.U r bleeding ur heart out 4 a guy who aint gonna come back 1 way or the other. U owe it 2 urself n luvd 1s 2 pull urself out of ds.Besides, where u in 9ja I personally hv an effective remedy 4 ur kind of situation. Ur heart was neva made of "glass". I wonda whr da heck "heartbreak" features. :)

    ReplyDelete
  14. hmmm thanks for all the comments. I was beginning to think, I am crazy blogging about this but somehow when you know you are not alone, that other people feel your pain, you feel better. I am happy to know that atleast this will end. I was so happy at 12noon today and left for lunch a happy woman. My ex called to say he heard I was blogging and that I am pathetic. He asked to meet me up for lunch, I agreed. Seeing him again was crazy, needless to say I did not go back to the Office, let me just let it out in the open, I am stupid, I know, but 2mrw I will be sane I hope!

    ReplyDelete
  15. I think you have an addictive personality. You need something to be addicted to. You may have put too much pressure on him and stifled him with too much attention. Next time, take the back seat and let the man want a future with you bad enough. What happened to you is life, and we all should learn from it. if you dont then you will keep making the same mistakes over and over again. Nigerian men do not appreciate an aggressive woman. And they like to take the reality of a lifetime committment in little doses. Move on with your life, am sure your man is waiting to find you. Dont waste too much time grieving as you may lose the chance of meeting that man. Remember to take your time, and let the man do the chase. Inviting him to coffee the day you met him is quite fast. The man will not be impressed. Also your ex is a little prick and a dolt, his new girl deserves him. ;). You are not pathetic, you did the right thing and deserve all the happiness and respect. you should thank your stars you did not get with such an abusive man that hurls insults at will.

    ReplyDelete
  16. @Mya, Please read the post below may be it will make u fell better.
    The following emotionally upsetting but the story was narrated to me by a brother, to illustrate the far-reaching effect marital choice can have. It is the story of a young lady who met and fell in love with a dashing young man. Without sacrificing any time to lay a solid foundation for a happy and successful relationship, they got married. After about ten years of marriage the man began to feel that he was into prospering financially as eh used to before he was married. He thought of how to correct the situation and. With little effort, he got ‘appropriate’ counsel and decided to kill his wife in order to perform rituals that would change his fortune. He murdered her, then butchered her and packed her neatly into a medium sized leather bag. On his way to the ritual site, he unexpectedly ran into police check point, unusual for that time of day, the policeman asked him, to open the boot of his car. He began to perspire and was reluctant to get out of the car. The policeman insisted that he open the boot, and found the bag. The terrible deed was revealed and the man was arrested and taken to the police station.

    THE LESSONS TO BE LEARNT:
    we should be careful there is a thin line between love and death.
    It is better to stay single and be alive, than rush into marriage and lose you life.
    lead.team@ymail.com

    ReplyDelete
  17. @ Emmanuel!

    If Mya did what he did, she'll bear the consequences as well.

    Free will is our greatest asses as well as our greatest weakness. It was that free will that made Adam and Eve eat the forbidden fruit which we are all still suffering till date.

    There are things that are techinically right but morally wrong. You just don't do things just because you can get away with it! Think of the consequences and how it would affect others!

    I'm not blaming him for pulling away, just for doing it at the wrong time. Better late than never you may say, but if he had any consience at all, while he was enjoying the r/ship and letting her drag him along, he would have stopped for a moment to think of how it would affect her late!

    ReplyDelete
  18. Hi mya: while the sun shined, you sounded like a car on fast lane! maybe you were too much in a hurry. and on this fast track you formed your opinion about your love affair, and perhaps helped him to form his. Maybe aina is d kind of guy who spends the last hours of his day to run through his feelings and action, however euphoric and lifting they may be. Maybe he is just not used to hitting cloud 9 in a jiffy, and u did not notice. Did u really try to get down to really know Aina other than the romantic ooze he poured on you? to me, i really do feel sorry for you, but i feel ur case is a case of "all flowers, no root".
    2ndly i feel from your story u r not really adept at managing crisis. A speech in time does not save 9, my dear, it needs to be followed up wth another, and another and another, till it crawls into the thin skin of his head. i think you need to get to terms with the reality of life - that it is not a bed of roses. it is in managing the sharp prickling thristles and keeping them out of harms way,while enjoying the beauty of the flowers. it is well, my dear. b strong

    ReplyDelete
  19. @Mya
    good you find solace in an old friend (your ex), but pls do not be carried away, owing to you condition.
    whatever happened that you guys broke up initially. please take your time and look well. its better now than if it was after marriage.
    i would have asked you to marry me, but its late.

    ReplyDelete
  20. @ Mya
    i know exactly how you feel I've been there sort of. i dated this guy for two years during this period he was just a struggling officer. I stood by him ,supported him emotionally and financially. Luckily for him he was shortlisted to go on a course in the US for a year and that was the beginning of my pain.
    He came back, took me to meet his parents and spent the weekend in his family's house. Even with all this my sweet heart wasn't the same again, he became a stranger to me. He started giving me attitude like he was above my league now. I felt bad,i asked him where i went wrong but he just didn't want to talk about it.Till now we haven't talked about anything but deep down i know its over and have to let go.
    My dear every thing happens for a reason and a good one at that.God knows best and i believe he has better plans for me and i think you should believe it too.

    ReplyDelete
  21. Wow! I find this to be a happy tale even if others may disagree. It's better to be hurt for a few months and be stuck with a prick for 30+ yrs or alternatively getting divorced. Most Nigerian women have been raised to live with a prick and I am happy he was man enough to disclose his feelings before wedding you into misery. I am married and it is not a bed of roses. I dated my wife for 6yrs before getting married to her, we face challenges like every couple and I must say, only time can really reveal people's hearts and behaviors. Not every one has 6yrs to invest before proposing but I'd say for 2yrs was enough time to get to know each other. Again there's nothing wrong with a lady disclosing her affection or toasting a man, it is totally apprioprate. One thing I know is alot of Nigerian guys in the U.K are pricks. They often seek females from wealthy backgrounds or women with high earning potentials and not to forget their dominating attitude that attracts them to women they can control. He is not being totally honest with you, not being ready for marriage is an excuse most men use in ending relationships. He is a coward and a loser, Please reveal his name so every woman out there can avoid this loser. Proposing to a woman when u r not ready is a sign of weakness and reveals an evil character........urrrrrrrrrrghhhhh! I am already very angry for you! Keep faith

    ReplyDelete
  22. sometimes God closes one door to open a better one,aina is not worth your tears..there is reason for everything, just pray to God to give you the grace/patient to be able to wait for the right guy.

    ReplyDelete
  23. Hi Mya,
    Coming from Nigeria, you make me and a lot op people proud to have chosen to blog on this issue. I very much hope that this will have a therapeutic and healing effect on you.
    I am a Nigerian man of middle age, your well written and articulated write-up brought me to tears, why? Because I have been there where you are now, though in a different context. But "pain is pain"
    I can imagine, this may sound cliche, but time will definitely heal your pain. Your time will come and hopefully with the right man. You might want to consider a get away (travel abroad) to have some time to yourself and away from your normal setting with all the sentimental and emotional memories, and endeavour to put things in perspective for your self. 'Cos the one person you need to think about and consider under the circumstances now is yourself.
    It shall be well, and what doesn't kill you makes you stronger. It might be difficult to absurb these words now, 'cos you are hurting, but sometime in the future, if you look back in retrospect, you will understand these words more. Believe me, I have been there and came out of it triumphantly. If I came through, then you can and will too. I have never been happier than I am right now.
    Sometimes, some initially painful things happen for the better. I hope this will be one of those things for you.
    Wish you all the luck & strength you need to deal with and eventually get over your pain!

    ReplyDelete
  24. @ All thanks a million, it helps to know some people understand. Baba you made me smile and have hope thanks for the kind words.

    ReplyDelete
  25. @Mya....only time will heal your pain....Just move closer to God at this point in time....The joy of the Lord is your strength sis.....

    ReplyDelete
  26. MYA I CAN'T REALLY TELL YOU I KNOW HOW YOU FEEL BECAUSE YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE THAT KNOWS HOW YOU FEEL. BUT I KNOW HOW YOU MIGHT FEEL. IS SAD. I KNOW I NEVER WANT TO PROMISE A WEDDING WITHOUT EXECUTING IT. GUYS IF YOU HAVE A FIANCE AND YOU THINK IT WON'T WORK JUST CUT IT. DON'T PROPOSE MARRIAGE AND ORGANIZE IT AND THEN DECIDE YOU ARE NOT INTERESTED ANY MORE. THAT'S BULLSHIT.

    ReplyDelete
  27. so sorry about what happened,but i think a broken courtship is better than a broken marriage!
    God knows best and He is still in the business of making people happy.
    Yours will not be an exception.
    Cheers

    ReplyDelete
  28. Hey Mya, i felt bad reading your story..Im a guy myself & i know what we are like..it's made me think its no good engaging a committed woman if you not ready.. Iv bn with my missus for over 2 years now & i know what it would feel like if i had to do that to her..its hurts really bad & vice versa.. I hope you find someone, let me rephrase 'i know you'll find someone'.. just dont change who you are & love will find you

    ReplyDelete
  29. Bright saturday morning, just got out of bed. Intend to visit my mum today, I need to get out. I may close the blog today someone wrote on my fb page and was like I should read this blog that the story seem like mine. I had changed some facts here to keep anyone apart people I told from finding out! So I may delete the blog dont want Aina to ever find out I did this I will be termed pathetic and I will die. Again many thanks for showing me love even though you barely know me. My wedding got called off and there are people who believe I will get past this. I pray this happens and I can smile again. Let me go shower, its a new day and hopefully, I may start to care. Bye guys, wish you the best in your own private lives.

    ReplyDelete
  30. Stay strong and alive maam. This happens all the time. You just escaped a life of unfulfillment and severe pain.Thank God for those things that form your strength.

    Great writing skills.

    Do not hesitate to keep us informed when tru love beckons again.

    Enjoi

    ReplyDelete
  31. I must confess Mya, ur writing inspires me, brilliant! please keep the juice flowing. Dont let wat has happened take away the shine from ur life. Enjoy life, u`re still young and thank God he left before u gt hooked up and carrying his child. Men are like buses, wen one leaves, another one comes, but shine ur eyez before u enter.

    ReplyDelete
  32. You will smile again and will one day thank God that he brought you thus far.

    ReplyDelete
  33. I think you should be happy that the guy did not deserve you.

    Whoever can not have u/marry you no matter how long you have been together, does not deserve you.

    Stop staying in pain and start to live life cos its beautiful, more beautiful when u have some1 that deserves you.

    ReplyDelete
  34. It is definitely a sad story and I can feel her pain cuz I had my own at the begining of this year and my tears are yet to dry off even when am a man.Mine was not a marriage planning anyway,it was just two months to our introduction. It's ain't easy when your partner says it's over after a four years courtship and less than eight weeks to the real thing folks. The bottom line of mine is finance anyway so it is understandable but the pain here is the same.

    There are loads of things that are responsible for her pain.Time spent,love shared ,unsuspected betrayal ,family introduction among many others.

    No words of encouragement helped me to get over my ordeal other than I became strong for myself and leave everything to God and beleive in Him. When I was strong enough to get hold of myself,I prayed that God please have your way,no single leaf drops from a tree without you knowing. I tell you people,as much as this sound so religious,that is my strenght. It gives me the strenght to live with the fact that she is truly gone.

    If Mya is a christian or muslim then she should spend more time with her God cuz He is the begining and the ending and every other thing lives in Him. As for the guy, that is wickedness,you don't deserve the lady,you can't handle a marriage cuz it's not for the weakly. It's a God approved institution only for those who are mature. That is so cruel of him especialy for his reason.Unless there is otherwise anyway. Life is too short find a way to be happy again and don't let frustration set in because of your age. You will get what is yours and be happy again.

    ReplyDelete
  35. In 1 word, you sound like a very decent lady and sometimes, i wonder why people forget that dissapointments happen to us for various reasons....you ask people to blog about pain believe me you renew the pain with each tantrum you exhibit....my advice; create a new habit stay strong and focus on your goals...for that dissapointment is your path to happiness....learn from it, use it to your advantage and i assure you that you will smile someday soon x x x

    ReplyDelete
  36. Aina,

    Coming from a young Nigerian lady in her early 20s, your ex is a jackass. I'm glad you found out pre-walking down the aisle.

    "Not ready for marriage" is another word for ..uh, wait a minute.. "im not just that into you"! Simple as that, sounds harsh but we always see the signs.

    I really hope that there won't be a next time. However I implore you to check yourself and examine where you were wrong as well.

    You're a smart woman, I won't go any further.

    ps: Church is a good start but not all are there for the right reasons! x

    ReplyDelete
  37. Sorrrry! Mya, NOT Aina. xx

    ReplyDelete